Why You Shouldn’t Trust Weed Activists

Remember this guy from high school?:

You know, the guy who missed every single Chemistry class so he could smoke weed under the bleachers. The guy who always seemed to be wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt even though he couldn’t tell the difference between reggae and hip hop. Have you heard from this guy lately? Well, you should go look him up on Facebook, I guarantee you’ll see something that looks like this:

Amazing! Not only has this guy managed to survive beyond high school, but he has become an expert biochemist, philanthropist, and policy analyst. This misunderstood loner who struggled for years to solve the complexities of the apple-bong in high school is now a great sage, ready to solve the world’s problems. How miraculous! It’s like Nikki Minaj turned into Nikola Tesla! Let’s take a closer look at his Facebook page to see if there are any clues that we might have missed the first time around that might help explain this breathtaking metamorphosis.

Ah. Suddenly everything makes sense. Why do you think your friend is sharing all these articles? Do you think he really cares about people with anxiety and glaucoma? Do you think he volunteers at the children’s hospital on the weekends? Does he even vote? The answer is no. Your friend is still the same moron you knew back in high school. He’s never donated a single penny to an organization that helps people deal with chronic illness. He’s just like every other stoner-activist; they all just want weed legalized so they can have easier access to it. That’s it. They only care about themselves and their pot, just like they did in high school.

This doesn’t mean that cannabis has no medicinal value. I have absolutely no problem with doctors doing whatever they need to in order to treat patients, but we all know our friends don’t really care about that. A person who is motivated to make the world a better place will search out information in an unbiased way to find the truth. There is a strong distinction between this type of person and the lackadaisical stoners flooding social media. One person is actually trying to find a solution to a problem, while the other is trying to find a problem for his solution. I hate these stupid weed activists and hope they all choke to death on pot brownies.

This Week in Hate: The Rundown

1. Mark Paredes and Harry Reid

In an article on the Jewish Journal blog this week, Mormon bishop Mark Paredes outlined his case for why former Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid couldn’t possibly be a temple-worthy Latter-day Saint. He argues that the Democratic platform supports issues like gay marriage and abortion, issues which apparently contradict LDS doctrine.

What an idiot. Harry Reid can support whatever political philosophy he wants, no matter how dumb it is. At least he isn’t stupid enough to mention his position in the church when he makes controversial statements in public. What were you thinking writing an article about your opinion “as a bishop”? I hope your entire ward leaves the church over this, moron.

2. Republicans

For those that don’t follow politics, the Republican party won several major races on Tuesday, gaining the majority position in the US Senate. and maintaining their majority in the US House of Representatives.

As you can guess, the rest of the week has been nothing but a Republican self-congratulatory echo chamber in blogs and on radio. This needs to stop. Nothing has changed. This is just the way elections go: each team takes turns in power, going back and forth starting wars and tanking the economy. Don’t read into your victory too much. It was completely expected and completely meaningless. You have no mandate, you did not win the “War on Women”. You just won an election. Please stop patting yourselves on the back for doing nothing and try not to completely destroy the country.

3. Mark Zuckerberg and his Stupid T-shirt

As if we didn’t all hate Mark Zuckerberg enough already, he has recently decided to make public comments about his fashion sense, or lack thereof. Basically, he wears the same thing every day because he doesn’t have the brain capacity to pick out clothes in the morning like the rest of the world.

This self-aggrandized walking ego somehow thinks that putting a variety of clothes in one’s drawer is a taxing mental task unfit for his superior brain. Placing yourself in the same category as Einstein because you wear the same thing every day is like comparing yourself to Gandhi because you smell bad. Which he undoubtedly does.

4. Taylor Swift and Spotify

Look at this picture of Taylor Swift and tell me she isn’t the most smug looking human on the planet. Her vast horde of PR people have undoubtedly been working overtime this week trying to explain her decision to remove all of her music from Spotify, a popular music streaming service. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Scott Borchetta, president of Big Machine Label Group said, “We never wanted to embarrass a fan. If this fan went and purchased the record, CD, iTunes, wherever, and then their friends go, ‘why did you pay for it? It’s free on Spotify,’ we’re being completely disrespectful to that superfan.”

You miserable, greedy pigs. Why can’t you just say, “Hey, all we care about is money! We are in no way trying to serve our fans. In fact, we hate you, and all we want is to suck every last nickel and dime out of your parents’ wallets.” You know, be honest. Trying to paint this as a way to respect fans is an insult. You suck.

5. Al Fox Carraway and her Mormon Clothing Line

Really, KSL? Is this supposed to be news? “Al Fox Carraway and her husband, Ben, married her design skills and his affinity for business when they created a company called Believer Clothing Co.” Just stop. This isn’t news. KSL has the benighted gift of confusing actual local news with things they pulled off their facebook feed. This is a dumb advertisement for a dumb company that makes dumb clothes. A local interest story still requires both a story and interest, neither of which is found here. More people would be interested in reading a story about a new KFC franchise opening than this sorry schlock. It’s bad enough we have breaking news alerts every time someone in the state with cancer does something nice. It isn’t just that it’s a pointless article, it’s a degradation of journalism. There are real problems and stories in this state, and menial fecal matter like this detracts from the serious issues. I hate you, KSL.

This Week In Hate – The Podcast: Catcalls and Phonecalls

[audio https://ia902608.us.archive.org/20/items/Podcast2F_201411/Podcast2F.mp3]

 

Welcome to our first published episode of “This Week in Hate – The Podcast”. We don’t expect anyone to listen to the podcast. In fact, please don’t listen to this podcast – it’s terrible.

In this week’s episode we discuss a YouTube video about catcalling and young children with cellphones. Here’s a link to the video for anyone interested.

Please feel free to comment on how much you hate the podcast.

American teenagers trying to join ISIS

If you think teenage girls in America are the stupidest possible subset of the human race, I have news for you: you are absolutely right.

CNN recently reported on two different stories out of Colorado where teenage girls tried to skip school so they could run away to join ISIS in Syria.  One story was about a 19-year-old and the other story was a group of three girls, aged 15, 15, and 17. In both cases the details were relatively the same – a young girl falls in love with an ISIS fighter through Facebook and runs away from home to join him in the Middle East.

Let’s just take a minute to try to understand what is going through these girls’ heads. What do they honestly think will happen? Do they think they’ll be whisked away on a romantic honeymoon to Fiji when they marry this dude they met on Facebook? Why do they think it’s okay to marry someone they’ve never met? Forget the fact that it’s a murderous terrorist for a second. It’s still absolutely idiotic to think it would be a good idea to run away from home to marry somebody you’ve never met in a foreign country when you’re 15. I didn’t think it was actually possible for someone to be so stupid.

Some of the news reports try to make sense of why ISIS has been so successful in recruiting westerners. They point to successful social media campaigns, religious duty, and a sense of identity. Whenever I hear in a news report that these groups are preying on individuals that are “searching for identity,” I immediately think to myself – these kids are total losers. I mean, don’t these kids usually just wear black clothes and smoke weed in the back parking lot? At least that way they can have some fun. All you’ll get from your terrorist marriage is a life full of being raped until you get stoned to death.

My advice to the FBI: next time you catch one of these girls running away, don’t stop them.

20-somethings with Dogs

20-somethings with dogs are without a doubt some of the most selfish, idiotic people on this planet. Buying a dog in your 20’s is possibly the strongest statement you can make that says “I either have no foresight or I’m mentally deficient.”

You’re 20 years old, you’ve had your first taste of freedom, so you stupidly tell yourself, “I’m an adult!” and decide to go get a dog.

Once the novelty of a new pet wears off and you’ve milked out as many Facebook and Instagram likes as you can from this poor dog, you’ll be leaving it in its kennel for 12 hours a day to soak in the stench of its own filth.

 

According to a study conducted by the National Council on Pet Population Study and Policy (NCPPSP), these were the top 10 reasons people bring their dogs to shelters:

1. Moving (7%)
2. Landlord not allowing pet (6%)
3. Too many animals in household (4%)
4. Cost of pet maintenance (5%)
5. Owner having personal problems (4%)
6. Inadequate facilities (4%)
7. No homes available for litter mates (3%)
8. Having no time for pet (4%)
9. Pet illness(es) (4%)
10. Biting (3%)

Nearly all of these reasons are easily foreseeable if you would just stop to think about it for two seconds. You do realize a dog’s average lifespan is 10-13 years, right?

Statistically speaking, you’re going to end up living back at home with mom and dad in a few years anyway when your career as a fashion designer or social media analyst inevitably fails. Even if you miraculously end up staying out of your parents’ basement, you better hope they have a nice yard for Fido, because there’s no way he’ll be with you for long.

I hate all these idiot 20-somethings who get dogs without considering that they are going to be moving frequently, living in apartments, working late hours, and generally being the worst possible pet owners. Think for two seconds before you make another spontaneous, selfish decision. No mortgage, no dog.